I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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