I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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