I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Randomize
