I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
