My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
