I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize