Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
