I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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