Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
