Jerry, you need to find god
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
