Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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