I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
