You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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