I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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