So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Randomize
