He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
