I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize