bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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