pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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