i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
