Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
