naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
