if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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