On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
