I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
