In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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