I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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