my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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