He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize