Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
