grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
