we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
