and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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