I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize