Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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