Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
