According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
