haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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