If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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