on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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