I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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