My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
