the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
