You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
