It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
