I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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