Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
