Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
