Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
