I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
