The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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