She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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