my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize