this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
