my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
